Afternoon Delight

Upon picking up Jude this morning after getting off from work my sister asked me what I was up to the rest of the day.  It was at this point I realized I have the life of a wealthy house mom.  I said I was going to Target because I needed something for a craft project I was working on.  Later in the day I was meeting up with some work folk for lunch and probably stopping by the wife's office to say hi and bring a treat.

I will try to retain some of my masculinity by showing the man-sized sandwich that the Route 58 Deli serves:

I give you the Super Reuben!!!  That is a massive pile of corned beef, pastrami, Swiss cheese and slaw on rye.  I also got a 2lbs. slice of cheese cake to go (half of which was the treat for the wife mentioned earlier).  After the lunch all I could think of was Afternoon Delight by the cast of Anchorman in which Ron Burgundy fondly speaks of "eating a bowl of chicken soup and a Reuben and making dirty Reuben Love."  Afternoon Delight (go to the 3:16 mark for the gold).

Tomorrow I will try to redeem myself but only after my Pilates and Spin classes and some dishing with the gals at Starbucks in our yoga pants.

Never thought I'd have that thought

When I first thought of doing this blog it was to capture things that happen while home alone with a baby.  With the wife being on maternity leave this whole time, there hasn't been much alone time.  I was able to get a few hours today while she was taking a test.

 After getting up at 7am and feeding, cleaning and dressing both the baby and myself I decided to tackle some errands.  A trip to Target, a visit to a craft show where my sister was pimpin' her fancy merch (Fancy Fonts by Karen Psimas on facebook), over to my brother-in-laws for the eggnog recipe.  Now to the ABC store for the booze for the nog.  Time on the clock; 9:45am.  Liquor store doesn't open until 10am.  Never would have thought that one day I'd be frustrated that my baby and I couldn't get some booze before 10am.  So I did my regular grocery shopping while the liquor store dragged their banking hours feet opening and returned to get the items needed.

For those keeping track (might just be me), this is what has been accomplished in the 5 hours my wife has been gone:

1 smoothie made and consumed
2 feedings
3 diaper changes
2 washings and dressings (him and me)
1 trip to Target
1 stop in at the craft show
1 trip to brother-in-laws
1 (really 2) stops at the liquor store
1 grocery shopping trip
1 hour play time
1 lunch consumed
1 blog entry

...and about to start the eggnog.  I am pretty much crushing it today, dare I say I'm even Reaganing!


"DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSED!!!" - Ron Burgandy

Gingervitis?

As the days have passed and Jude's features start to resemble less of a lizard and more of a human baby I have noticed something that could be frightening to most people...he may be a Ginger.

Those of you unfamiliar with Gingers and their condition, Gingervitis; please follow this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ginger_Kids (the most important things in life have been covered in a South Park episode at some point).

The biggest fear of have a Ginger Kid is that he will turn into a soulless Ginger not unlike the ones we are most familiar with.

Exhibit A:  Carrottop.

We are all familiar with this hack, prop comedian who in recent years appeared to be addicted to steriods.  As the late Greg Giraldo said to Carrottop during the Flava Flav Roast "How did you find a plastic surgeon that will add a chromosome?'  Let's hope this isn't Jude's path.

Exhibit B:  Danny Bonaduce

This is a Ginger child star gone crazy.  And once again, one with a steroid problem.  Steer clear Jude.

Exhibit C:  Mike McQueary

You may remember Mike McQueary as the Penn State Tattle-Tale who ratted out that self proclaimed 'Tickle Monster.'  I'd hate to have Jude walk a mile in his shower shoes.

My best hope is for Jude to be a Daywalker.  A redhead, yes.  But one with less fair skin and hopefully more of a soul.  Any of these fellow Daywalkers would do:

                                                                        Ron Howard

                                                               Super Chef Bobby Flay

                                                                        Conan O'Brien

I feel pretty comfortable in assuming I don't have to worry about this Ginger in particular....

                                                                        Rocky Dennis
While I admire his enthusiasm for cartography, Jude would have a rocky road indeed.

HEY JUDE, YOU'LL DO

Halloween came and went.  Hurricane Sandy/Superstorm Sandy/Frankenstorm came and went without a baby.  We decided to enjoy ourselves anyway

 If the little man doesn't enjoy this when he grows up, he's an asshole (I know you are, but what am I?).

He thought he was the boss and tried to flex his muscle by staying in as long as he wished but little did he know that labor could be induced with drugs.  So, after just over 12 hours of hanging out, joking, making up fake names, making countless Seinfeld references (a lot of hospital scenes in that show) and staging fake pictures such as me pulling the plug on my wife lying in the hospital bed, me pretending to finish a cervical exam, etc.  the heir to the throne was born and presented to the world.

Jude Hudson Raftery was born at 6:58pm.  We were told that we were having a baby boy but got thrown a curveball at delivery.  Instead of a boy, my wife birthed a man.  A 9lbs 21inch man.  After being cleaned up a bit he was ready to be Christened into the family.

His first lesson is that there is a costume for every occasion and even one for no occasion.  We even fancied him up for the chicks he'd meet in the nursery...

We have succeeded in keeping a person alive for one day.  Tomorrow, we'll try to do it again...

In the beginning God created the Kevin and the Earth

I am starting this blog to track and share some life experiences.  The biggest of these life experiences being...becoming a father and raising another human being.  Parenthood has to be one of the strangest, most rewarding, and least regulated things in the world.

 I have taken many tests and received numerous certificates over my 28 years of life.  In my professional life I am able to; administer drugs to another individual, shock a persons heart back into rhythm, enter a burning building and pull someone out, all in an effort to keep a person alive.  Before I was able to do these things professionally I had to study, practice and take a test, both written and practical, and receive a certificate stating I passed said tests in order to practice the skills learned.  To raise another human being and keep them alive...no test.  No certificate.  Like most, I was well practiced at the creating portion of bringing a child into the world but that is like cooking Thanksgiving dinner the first time you ever cook and being really good at turning the oven on.

This child will be born any day now and in the following posts I hope to share some entertaining stories,  ideas gone fantastically wrong and some great ways to fuck with your spouse when he/she comes home from a long day at work.


Stay tuned...